Thursday, February 4, 2010

V-DAY, 10 days and counting

I know, I know that I already posted a blog about Valentines day. But that one was all positive and lovely dovey but now I'm feeling like mixing things up.

Here's some amusing stuff I've found on the interweb lately.

The worst ways to propose to a woman

Being engaged is all about getting to go to cake tastings, being forced to have an opinion on centerpieces, and answering “how did you propose” about one billion times. Women expect to hear something romantic, like you swooped down on a flying unicorn and popped the question as you flew past the sunset. No one wants to hear that you asked her during halftime to order some more wings and/or marry you. Avoid looking like a completely douchebag by not proposing in any of the following ways.

The Post-Pregnancy Proposal
Since it’s not the 1950’s anymore and out-of-wedlock mothers aren’t required to wear the scarlet letter, there’s no reason to pop the question just because she’s pregnant. Getting married won’t change the fact that a baby is coming and all your beer money is now going to be going into the diaper fund. Do the gentleman-like thing, ask for the kid to be named after you, write her a check for 18 years of child support, and get a vasectomy.

The During Her Marriage Proposal
Despite what Hollywood may tell you, brides do not want you barging into their wedding, stopping the vows, and proclaiming your love for them. And I’ll tell you what, there are extremely high odds that she will say no. So have some class and save the big, romantic movie gestures for moments when they’re needed — such as when you ask your girlfriend to choose you over her wildly successful job.

The Edible-Ring Proposal
It sounds romantically-cliche to propose via an engagement ring hidden at the bottom of chocolate mousse. In reality, it’s a subconscious death wish for your significant other. After all, if you were caught placing chokeable objects in someone’s food in any other situation, you would be arrested for attempted murder.

The Funeral ProposalGoing to a funeral naturally makes you freak out about your future.
You’re wondering if you’ve done anything worthwhile with your life besides that 9 minute keg stand junior year of college. But your mid-life crisis is no reason to reach out to last week’s one-night stand and ask them to marry you. Instead of putting yourself on the fast track for a divorce, ask out the hottest girl at the funeral, and pray like hell you’re not related.

5. The Public ProposalDeciding to get married is kinda a big deal. It’s up there with deciding what you should do for a living and what secret file name you should hide your porn under. So why put your girlfriend on the spot by popping the question in front of family and friends? Odds are she won’t want to say “let’s talk about this later” in front of everyone. Instead you’ll get an awkward silence while she contemplates the question followed by a half-ass yes.

The Social Media ProposalJust because everyone communicates in 140 character or less these days doesn’t mean that you should propose via Facebook status. Nothing says I’m too lazy to sign offline like an e-mail with the subject line “will you marry me.” And please don’t think adding in a clever kissy smiley face will help matters at all.

The Valentine’s Day Proposal
Isn’t there enough going on with women carrying around carnations and adult men dressed as giant baby cupids? There’s no need to add to the corniness of the holiday by throwing in a wedding proposal. The only exception to this cliche proposal is if you forget to get a gift and need to think of something in a hurry.

Ways to ensure you’ll be single for the rest of your life

Everyone in our society is so focused on meeting the right person, finding your soul mate, and giving a love testimonial on the E-Harmony commercials. But what about the people who never want to date or find true love? The spinsters, the hermits, and the men who will eventually be profiled on To Catch a Predator? Well finally, there’s a guide for them on on how to remain single, alone, and satisfied for the rest of their lives.

Buy weird pets 

Anyone with a heart can love a dog and most people will tolerate a cat. But no one wants to date someone who has a bunch of wild prairie dogs burrowed in the couch or an ant farm living unrestrained in their bathtub. All of those options still leave you feeling like someone with with a weird insect fetish can fall in love with you? No fear, step the crazy pets purchase up a notch by buying something truly dangerous like a rattlesnake or crocodile.

Have a Fake Accent

Introducing yourself to someone with a phony accent can come off as funny at first. Continuing to yell “oui, oui” in a butchered French accent all night will drive potential love interests away in droves. The key to the fake accent is to make sure it truly comes off as fake and as obnoxious as possible by repeating token phrases (i.e if you’re going with German just keep saying sauerkraut and geshudeit on repeat). After all, the last thing you want is a woman with a thing for Spanish men fall more in love with you each time you say Hola.

Use pick-up lines

Use whatever resources you need from outdated search engines to your creepy uncle to find the most cliche pick-up lines out there. People will de-swoon when you approach them with “are you from Tenneesee, because you’re the only ten I see.” Make sure you’re in the clear for going home alone by using several different pick-up lines on the same person. If she starts backing away by the Tennessee line then she’ll be running for the door by the time you get to “Is your father in Jail for stealing the stars and putting them in your eyes.”

Use out-dated references

Make yourself seem inaccessibly and unattractively eccentric by throwing in out-dated references into your conversations. Nothing says leave me alone like someone who interjects “talking about inappropriate, can we discuss this Monica Lewinsky thing” into small talk about the past weekend. It’s absolutely essential you be at least ten years behind the time so feel free to throw in any Austin Powers shagging references.

Never go out

While this one seems like a no-brainer, you would be shocked by how many wannabe-singles spend their weekend nights out on the town. If you’re not working or running errands, than you should be home alone on your couch wrapped in a snuggie watching Food Network reruns. Take advantage of restaurants that deliver, jobs that let you telecommute, and homes next to unfriendly neighbors.

Don’t Follow the Rules

Make people feel extremely uncomfortable by doing what you want, wherever you want. Done with your food at the restaurant? Drop the plate on the floor. Have to pee but don’t feel like waiting in line? Just pull down your pants and go. Stop doing what society tells you, be an individual, and break some laws. However don’t break too many laws, the last thing you need is the pressure to be in a prison relationship.

Get a stupid tattoo

This is a last ditch effort to make sure that you don’t have sex. Because everyone knows that sex is going to lead to phone calls, Facebook friend requests, and pleas for Plan B money. Get a heinous, offensive, and/or infected tattoo someplace hidden on your body, preferably your butt. Nothing says I’m not looking for a relationship like a “thank you for coming” tattoo that stretches from cheek to cheek.

The types of online daters you should definitely avoid

Written for men but women can learn a few things here as well ;)

Unless you’re watching the public access channel nonstop, you may have noticed that every other commercial on TV is for some kind of online dating service. It doesn’t matter if you’re straight or gay or a biracial alien, there’s some kind of dating service out there for you! While I’m sure there are tons of perfectly normal people putting their profiles online, I’m also 100% positive that there are a lot of creeps, convicted felons, and conservatives also posting as normal people on these websites. Don’t get your heart broken… or stolen by an organ thief by avoiding these 7 people.

The Murderer

Everything about this profile is just too good to be true. Drop-dead gorgeous profile picture, inspirational about me section, 3-time winner of the e-harmony dater of the year award. If it’s too good to be true it is. If someone was that amazing, they wouldn’t have to be looking for dates nationwide. Delete this person from your potential list before they take you out for an amazing date and then use you to film their own Hostel sequel.

The Real Housewife of

This profile gem looks like something straight out of TLC’s plastic surgery nightmares special. Despite being born before World War, 2 she doesn’t have a single wrinkle on her face and her skin is pulled so tight that her eyebrows are now located right above her ears. Sure she might be nice to look at for a few seconds, but stare too long and all her support hose will fall down at the same that her staples and stitches fall out.

The Hunchback of New York City

Her profile’s full of hilarious jokes and every single one of her interest matches yours exactly. But something’s not quite right. You can’t quite put your finger on it, but you’re pretty sure it has something to do with the fact she’s wearing a bag over her head in her profile picture. The last straw should be when she asks for tips on the best ways to shave off a mustache.

The cheater

Her profile picture consists of her in a wedding dress next to a man who has been cut from the picture. Sounds suspicious right? Well keep looking because you’ll see that she’s only interested in a weekend fling and insists on meeting in sleazy highway motels. Avoid getting involved in a Lifetime movie of the week affair by telling her you’re only looking for marriage, children, and commitment. The three scariest words you can say to someone looking for a scandalous affair.

NBC Dateline

No one loves pedophiles more than Dateline. They’re constantly on the lookout for child predators that they can feature on their extra special evening news reports. Don’t trust anyone with a username that includes “gurl” “baby” or “xoxo.” And as always, be extra cautions if you’re using the dating service.

A Child

Kids are craftier than ever these days. When they’re done figuring out how to download porn in the 5th grade, they move on to messing with people on dating websites by posing as adults. Drop them immediately if they say their ideal first date is at a Jonas Brothers concert.

The Serial Dater

She’s on the hunt for a serious relationship and can’t leave anything up to chance. So she’s signed up for every single dating service out there — including and MTV’s Date my Mom. You’ll be able to catch her right away due to the fact that she refers to everyone by screennames, “excuse waiterman45, can we get some water for bobM4u7 and myself?”

The stages of a break-up

There’s nothing worse than being dumped and/or divorced by someone you love. Suddenly you’ve gone from being in a golden couple to being a permanent guest at table 9. It’s okay to cry, burn couple pictures, and make people feel bad for not knowing that you’ve broken up. Odds are that you’re about to go through the 7 stages of a modern break-up.

Getting Extremely Drunk

A break-up often feels like you just got an unlimited, endless ride on an emotional roller coaster. Therapists unanimously agree that the best remedy for dealing with this confusing mess of feelings is to get extremely drunk. Try and spend the next few days taking it easy in an alcohol haze. Take a shot every time you feel an emotion and do a jager bomb every time you feel tempted to cry. -Again written for men:p

Updating Facebook statuses

Now that you’ve given yourself a 90% chance of developing liver cancer, it’s time to let the world know and understand your pain. The best way to do this is by leaving your Facebook relationship and updating hourly with positive statuses like “never have to see that dirty slut again” or “Does anyone own a gun, I’m about to kill a cheater.” If you’re having trouble putting your anger into words, choose an appropriate song lyric. There’s nothing more classicly vintage than “I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one”

Listening to EMO music

Thanks to Facebook everyone now knows that you’re single. Take some time to indulge in a little “feelin sorry for myself music.” Remember if the lyrics aren’t being screamed and if the lead singer isn’t wearing black eye liner, you haven’t chosen the right songs.

Angry phone calls to the ex

So you’ve memorized the lyrics to every Dashboard Confessional song every written. It’s now time to take the first step towards acceptance. Call up your ex and leave scathing voice mails explaining why you hate him/her so much. Take this opportunity to use vulgar language, say ugly slurs, and issue false accusations. Make sure that you’re at least half-crying when you call so your message is nearly incomprehensible.

Complaining to all your friends

You’ve spoken with your ex via an answering machine and you feel ready to go back into the world. Call up your friends, ask them to come over, and spend the night going through your entire relationship. Alternate between insulting your ex and defending him/her when your friends agree with you. It’s important at this stage to be absolutely inconsolable. No one should be able to say anything right.

Isolation and Depression

Turns out your friends don’t understand anything at all. It’s back to spending a few days/weeks under the covers in a dark room. Under no circumstances do you pick up your phone and answer an e-mail. It’s at this stage your friends should be extremely worried about your mental health. You’ll know you’ve completed this stage successfully when someone shows up at your door on suicide watch.

Drunken hook-ups

Well the worst is over and you’re ready to hit the dating scene again. Time is of the essence and now is your opportunity to have meaningless rebound sex with as many people as possible. Remember that using protection is important, but ending each night crying about your ex in a stranger’s arms is more important. Have some respect for yourself and never ever stay the night anywhere.

The above stories were written by Jenni Maier, you can follow her on twitter here, or view her website here.

 OMG LULZ- a few months old but a good one to read right before V-Day.

Woman Calls 911, Says Boyfriend Won't Marry Her

CLARKSVILLE, Tenn. -- Clarksville police said they arrested a woman on Wednesday morning after she repeatedly made non-emergency calls to the city's 911 system.

Hee Orama, 34, was arrested after police said she recently made frequent calls to 911 complaining about a man lying to her about marrying her.

Police said they responded to two calls from Orama and explained that this was not an emergency situation and to stop calling.

Orama then called again and was cited by police and told she would be arrested if she kept calling them with non-emergencies.

Police said the woman then called a 911 dispatcher a few minutes later but would not say why she called. Police then arrested Orama and took her to the Montgomery County Jail.

Orama's bond was set at $250.

Police said Orama's calls cost city workers many hours addressing the situation. 911 supervisor Julie Vogle said they receive non-emergency calls frequently, which often forces two or three officers to respond.

"If the officers are running emergency traffic, that's putting several lives in danger, including the citizens," said Vogle.

Funny Wedding Photos 



 Also be sure to check out my other posts!

Please do not procreate!

The Perfect man!

Awesome cakes to celebrate your divorce!

Marry Him -- A Look At The Divisive New Book That Urges You To 'Settle'
Just in time for Valentine's Day, the world has found its anti-Cupid. Her name is Lori Gottlieb, and she's a pretty, 42-year-old single mom who was on the Today Show today. So why is the blogosphere calling for her head!?

She just wrote a book called "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough," advising you to, among other things, give the online date with bad breath a second chance, and not ix-nay a guy over his unfortunate taste in denim.
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