Thursday, July 1, 2010

Random thoughts...

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

Is any one else a little creeped out by the fact that Santa’s elves are watching us all right this minute?

There is great need for a sarcasm font.

How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Nah, it’s not Tourette’s. I’m just angry sometimes.

Some people like clean jokes, but I don’t think cleanliness is a laughing matter.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

If a zombie wants to eat your brains, just order pizza instead. When it arrives, feed the pizza guy to the zombie and RUN!

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

The more of those garden gnomes you buy, the sooner they will be able to mobilize their army and destroy us all.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

The severity of the itch is proportional to inability to the reach it.

Bad decisions make good stories.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything
productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I
swear I did not make any changes to.

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dang it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

Never trust someone who gives you a business card with their picture on it.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

I think the top freezer deserves a light as well.

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it... thanks Mario Kart.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with alcohol than with Kay.

Ever realize why women over 50 don't have babies? Because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

From now on I will be writing "for sensual massage" in the memo field of all of my checks.

I wish people had antlers,  because I’m sure they would make bar fights a lot more entertaining.

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "you know sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

Mattress labels are commonly misunderstood. They say, “Not to be removed EXCEPT BY CONSUMER.” So if you take it off you have to eat it.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier and sluttier every year?

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

How can we, as a nation, claim responsibility for American cheese? If we’re going to pretend it’s cheese, let’s call it Al Qaeda cheese.

Doing dishes the other night I noticed we have some Miracle Blade III knives. If they’re such a miracle, why did they redesign them twice?

I've fantasized about fighting traffic with a rocket launcher.

If you don’t like someone, wait until they are wearing purple, then stomp on them and say, “I thought you were a grape!”

Just once I want to hear a politician say, “I can neither confirm nor deny my role in a secret ninja army.”

Next time solicitors come calling, I'm going to invite them in and try to sell stuff to them.

Hope for humanity? I lost mine the day I saw a grown man pick his nose and eat it.

When you stop and really take a look around yourself, it’s amazing how many things you see that look like a butt.

If you fly past me on the open freeway, and two minutes later I fly past you, it’s because I’m using cruise control, and you’re driving like an idiot.

There comes a point where caffeine can’t keep you awake anymore and you fall into an uneasy sleep. I call that “the time I rolled the car.”

I haven’t lost my mind, I just put it away because it can’t handle what’s about to happen.

Instead of, “Take me to your leader,” I think the first thing aliens would say is, “Can I use your bathroom?”

Oh, I wasn’t ignoring you. I thought those were rhetorical questions.

There’s a chemical in turkey that makes me want to watch college football.

Sometimes it is so hard to not look both ways when crossing a one-way street.

A funny joke would be to replace your toilet paper with a lint roller. When guests complain, say, “What did you do in my washing machine?!”

I've always wanted to write “For Sale – $600 on the windows of random cars and include my senator’s home phone number.

When I hear a catchy jingle, I go buy whatever they tell me to, no questions asked. Hopefully they never advertise dog poop.

Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

This list was emailed to me and contains some original thoughts from
Check him out! He's a funny guy! :)

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