Thursday, November 12, 2009

Oh the weather outside is frightful


At these Fahrenheit temperatures:

+65 - Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night.
+60 - Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one).
+50 - Miami residents turn on the heat.
+45 - Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts.
+40 - You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming
+35 - Italian cars don't start.
+32 - Water freezes.
+30 - You plan your vacation to Australia.
+25 - Ohio water freezes. Californians weep. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming
+20 - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City water freezes. Miami residents plan vacation farther South.
+15 - French cars don't start. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
+10 - You need jumper cables to get the car going.
+5 - American cars don't start.
0 - Alaskans put on T-shirts.
-10 - German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
-15 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.
Arkansas-ians stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist
-20 - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don't start.
-25 - Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-30 - You plan a two week hot bath. Swedish cars don't start.
-40 - Californians disappear. Minnesotans button top button. Canadians put on sweaters. Your car helps you plan your trip South.
-50 - Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-80 - Hell freezes over. Polar bears move South. Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.
-90 - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.


Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas

10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows).
9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights).
8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores.
7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials".
6. Family coming to stay with you.
5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling.
4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities.
3. Days off from work.
2. Candles.

1 And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas...At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!

1st Retiree: "Well, they finally arrested Hurricane Frances."
2nd Retiree: "What for?"
1st Retiree: "Littering."


Q: How did you find the weather on your vacation?
A: I just went outside and there it was.

Q: What is a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
A: Hail!

Q: What's the difference between a horse and the weather?
A: One is reined up and the other rains down.

Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A: Foul (fowl) weather.

Q: What do a tornado, a hurricane and a redneck divorce have in common?
A: In the end, someone is going to loose a house trailer.

Q: What is a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister!


Love Affair

What did the tornado say to the other tornado?
You turn me on.

What did the thermometer say to the other thermometer?
You make my temperature rise.

What did the hurricane say to the other hurricane?
I have my eye on you.

What did the lightning bolt say to the other lightning bolt?
You're shocking.

What did one tornado say to the other?
Let's twist again, like we did last summer....

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