Thursday, November 20, 2008

4 weddings and a funeral (How to be offensive)

Ways to be Offensive at a Wedding

Usual dumb-list disclaimers apply...

Show up with a baby and claim he belongs to the newlyweds.

Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet.

Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog.

Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex change operation.

Tell the bride that the only reason you can look at her is that you used to be a proctologist.

Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate for a drug rehab. clinic.

As you move down the receiving line, spit on each person.

Ask the bride's mother to give you a hand job.

Give the bride some Bianca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm.

Propose a toast to the bride's nose job.

Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so no one can tell who they came from.

Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.

After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, "Throw your bra, throw your bra..."

Tell everyone that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out.

Tell the rabbi that there's no money to pay him, and ask if he'll settle for stupping the bride.

Assure the bride's mother that the groom is "hung like a horse."

Return a bra which the bride left in your car.

If there's a hunchback at a Jewish wedding tell hin that he has to wear one yarmukle on his head and another on his hump.

When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing, "The Lady is a Tramp.

Ways to be Offensive at a Funeral

Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she have sex with you.

Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.

Punch the body and tell people he hit you first.

Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.

Ask someont to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.

At the cemetary, play taps on a kazoo.

Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.

Ask the widow to give you an enema.

Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.

Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask him if he can sneak him into the coffin.

Place a hard boiled egg into the mouth of the deceased.

Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.

Leave some phony dog mess on top of the deceased.

Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.

Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.

Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.

Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.

Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.

Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.

I DO NOT recommend that you do any of these.
I just thought the lists were amusing and worth posting.

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