Sexual lulz
Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
Ate something.
How can you tell a head nurse?
She’s the one with the dirty knees!
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It’s not hard.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an alter boy
What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin’ off.
How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station?
Right before the gas stops pumping he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car.
How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
At the circus, the clowns don’t talk.
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Motivations
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don’t do dick.
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Inappropriate Products For Kids
The keywords on the box read "Interesting," "Flash," and "Up and Down," which sound like they were written by the happiest pedophile in playland.
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That baby doesn't need shaving, it needs to be returned to the elfdom from whence it came.
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"Something for the evening" for your infant stripper-to-be aged 0-12 months. "Show Grandma how you twirl 'em!"
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I don't think these are Webkinz.
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Spanish toymaker Berjuan released a doll that allows children to "breast-feed" their babies. A girl wears a special halter top with flowers instead of nipples that cause the baby to make sucking sounds and move its mouth. The tagline for the toy reads, "Because you shouldn't have to wait until you have breasts before you start breastfeeding your baby." Actually, yeah, you should.
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Typical male thinking, Grrr!
How to Increase Your Chances of Getting Laid by 100 Percent
Three words to ruin a man’s ego…
“Is it in?”
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully?
Miracle whip.
What’s a virgin and a balloon have in common ?
All it takes is one prick and its all over.
Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
They don’t have time.
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it’s getting interesting, they’re finished until next time.
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Kitties!Lulz!
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Ohh yeah!
Best Tee Shirt EVER!
Yes I'm random ;)
Murphy's Laws On Love and Sex
"Don't worry. I've had a vasectomy/hysterectomy."
"I won't come in your mouth, I promise."
"I'm not really married."
"It's only a cold sore."
"Looks aren't important to me. I like you for your personality."
"Size isn't important."
"This won't hurt, I promise."
"We don't have to go all the way, we'll just lie here and hold each other."
"We'll always be together."
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
All the good ones are taken.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant
Do it only with the best.
Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary to the above law)
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
It is always the wrong time of month.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the
trouble in the garden.
Love comes in spurts.
Love is a hole in the heart.
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
Never say no.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Nice guys finish last.
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll
never be quite the same again.
No sex with anyone in the same office.
Nothing improves with age.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Sex has no calories.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to
convey its full meaning.
Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure.
The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
The best things in the world are free - and worth every penny of it.
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her
with no hard feelings.
The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
The younger the better.
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood.
Virginity can be cured.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa...
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
and Murphy's number one law on love and sex: Don't fuck with Mrs. Murphy!
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