FWD: Life's Rules

Continuing from yesterday...
Subject: FWD: Life's Rules

1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content

3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,"Thyroid problem?"

5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?

10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes,make Bloody Mary's.

13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

18. No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.

19. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

20. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

21. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

22. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

23. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"