Some Irish jokes

Irish Shopping
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.  When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?" "Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives
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I've Lost Me Luggage
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K.  Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.  An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!"said the Irishman.
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Water to Wine                    
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
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The Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."
Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the  girls must be dying.
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An Irish Fight
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. That little sod, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must  have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should
have defended yourself.  Didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it  was, but useless in a fight."
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Irish Cemetery
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late  one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God  bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."! Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is  written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
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Irish Accident
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at  her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.  But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda.
"Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."! Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim.  Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda ... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
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Irish Predicament
Drunk, Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a
Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
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Irish Last Request
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and  she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last  requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'

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