While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a
bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in
wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic
patronizing smirk the one we all know and love, asked, "What's your
hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up
to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I
work
from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but
surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole ? " he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket - $95.00
Court Costs - $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face................PRICELESS*
Money well spent!!!!
Monday, March 30, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Things to do when your favorite website is down
Doesn't matter if you are at home or at work here's some things to do when your favorite website is down!
Retry the URL 1000 times.
Actually do your job well for once, or just for once period.
Clear your cache, and make sure any and all porn on your computer is gone.
Finally make a family tree you lazy ass.
Plan your family's escape route in case of fire, hurricane, tornado etc.
Play slap n' tickle with your significant other.
Wax the floors and have a one man stocking foot race.
Compose music with your computer keyboard.
Pick your nose, but wash your hands before you touch anything...
Break or set a world record.
Count how many licks it takes you to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.
Set up a lemonade stand. You could even donate your earnings to charity!
Get old clothes, shoes etc together for a charity donation, and actually go donate them.
Clean out the garage, the attic or the basement, gather up all your old toys and games and have a garage sale - you'll free up space and make a bit of cash while you're at it.
Make some jello and have a jello eating contest and eat with your hands behind your back!
Run up and down the stairs. Can you do it 10 times? 50? 100? Now beat that!
Catalog your books. Or inventory your socks.
Change your look, upload a photo to the DailyMakeover and try out celebrity hairstyles and makeup trends.
Link.
Rent some inline skates and hit the bike paths or sidewalks.
Walk your dog. Or offer to walk a neighbor's dog. If you can't find a dog to walk, try walking your cat ... or your ferret.
Prepare a picnic to eat in your backyard. Or in the park. Or even in your living room.
Plant flowers, mow the yard, shovel the snow just do anything outside. Bet ya haven't enjoyed nature in awhile being on the computer 24/7
Send fake, elaborate, crazy, emails to Dr. Phil, Dr Ruth, Dr Laura, Dr Joyce Brothers, Dr Drew etc
Make plans for a potluck with friends and family.
Send flowers to your mom
Send your grandfather an experienced dominatrix
Force your mailman to the ground and tattoo his buttocks
Build robots using items found around the house (please don't take the toaster apart without permission). Or workplace (please don't take the copier apart without permission)
Buy property on Mars.
Follow an ant around the yard and see what ants really do all day
Learn Morse Code.
Learn some magic tricks
Put together a silly survival kit or make a pocket anti-boredom kit.
Stock your fridge with nothing but Lunchables & Capri Sun
Down a few laxatives and shit yourself during an MRI
Concoct a baking soda volcano.
Bring your dog to the vet for a circumcision
Watch paint dry Link.
Wash your sheets for once, they're gross
Read a book, read a book, read a mother f*u@cking book!
Read a book your boss will never know about because it'll look like you're viewing a PowerPoint presentation.
Send an extraordinary letter. Compose a letter online and the World's Smallest Postal Service will transcribe it in the tiniest of script, seal it with a miniscule wax seal, and send it with a magnifying glass so your recipient can read it.
Rant! Think you've got it bad? Check out F*** My Life where anyone can vent about something in their life that's gotten them down. Hilarious, irreverent, and highly topical, read other people's FMLs and add your own.
Still upset your favorite site is down?
NotifyMeWhenIt’sUp lets you enter any website or service suffering from downtime and sends you an e-mail notification as soon as it’s back up (and only when it was effectively down upon entering). Simple, clean, obvious, free, and as far as I can tell it works like a charm too.
Visit some of these interesting sites about science I bet you've never visited before.
Exploring Fringe Science – To Debunk Or Not To Debunk? The Committee for Skeptical Inquiry.Popular Mechanics.
Robert Carroll’s The Skeptic’s Dictionary.
James Randi Educational Foundation.
Finally, if you simply want to discuss particular fringe claims with other open-minded skeptics like yourself – I highly recommend that you head over to Physics Forums.
Retry the URL 1000 times.
Actually do your job well for once, or just for once period.
Clear your cache, and make sure any and all porn on your computer is gone.
Finally make a family tree you lazy ass.
Plan your family's escape route in case of fire, hurricane, tornado etc.
Play slap n' tickle with your significant other.
Wax the floors and have a one man stocking foot race.
Compose music with your computer keyboard.
Pick your nose, but wash your hands before you touch anything...
Break or set a world record.
Count how many licks it takes you to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.
Set up a lemonade stand. You could even donate your earnings to charity!
Get old clothes, shoes etc together for a charity donation, and actually go donate them.
Clean out the garage, the attic or the basement, gather up all your old toys and games and have a garage sale - you'll free up space and make a bit of cash while you're at it.
Make some jello and have a jello eating contest and eat with your hands behind your back!
Run up and down the stairs. Can you do it 10 times? 50? 100? Now beat that!
Catalog your books. Or inventory your socks.
Change your look, upload a photo to the DailyMakeover and try out celebrity hairstyles and makeup trends.
Link.
Rent some inline skates and hit the bike paths or sidewalks.
Walk your dog. Or offer to walk a neighbor's dog. If you can't find a dog to walk, try walking your cat ... or your ferret.
Prepare a picnic to eat in your backyard. Or in the park. Or even in your living room.
Plant flowers, mow the yard, shovel the snow just do anything outside. Bet ya haven't enjoyed nature in awhile being on the computer 24/7
Send fake, elaborate, crazy, emails to Dr. Phil, Dr Ruth, Dr Laura, Dr Joyce Brothers, Dr Drew etc
Make plans for a potluck with friends and family.
Send flowers to your mom
Send your grandfather an experienced dominatrix
Force your mailman to the ground and tattoo his buttocks
Build robots using items found around the house (please don't take the toaster apart without permission). Or workplace (please don't take the copier apart without permission)
Buy property on Mars.
Follow an ant around the yard and see what ants really do all day
Learn Morse Code.
Learn some magic tricks
Put together a silly survival kit or make a pocket anti-boredom kit.
Stock your fridge with nothing but Lunchables & Capri Sun
Down a few laxatives and shit yourself during an MRI
Concoct a baking soda volcano.
Bring your dog to the vet for a circumcision
Watch paint dry Link.
Wash your sheets for once, they're gross
Read a book, read a book, read a mother f*u@cking book!
Read a book your boss will never know about because it'll look like you're viewing a PowerPoint presentation.
Send an extraordinary letter. Compose a letter online and the World's Smallest Postal Service will transcribe it in the tiniest of script, seal it with a miniscule wax seal, and send it with a magnifying glass so your recipient can read it.
Rant! Think you've got it bad? Check out F*** My Life where anyone can vent about something in their life that's gotten them down. Hilarious, irreverent, and highly topical, read other people's FMLs and add your own.
Still upset your favorite site is down?
NotifyMeWhenIt’sUp lets you enter any website or service suffering from downtime and sends you an e-mail notification as soon as it’s back up (and only when it was effectively down upon entering). Simple, clean, obvious, free, and as far as I can tell it works like a charm too.
Visit some of these interesting sites about science I bet you've never visited before.
Exploring Fringe Science – To Debunk Or Not To Debunk? The Committee for Skeptical Inquiry.Popular Mechanics.
Robert Carroll’s The Skeptic’s Dictionary.
James Randi Educational Foundation.
Finally, if you simply want to discuss particular fringe claims with other open-minded skeptics like yourself – I highly recommend that you head over to Physics Forums.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Little Johnny is a funny one
Little Johnny... Finding Jesus
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
---
One day little Johnny was walking up a hill pulling his red wagon behind him saying,"Fuck this," "Fuck that."
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"
---
Little Johnny... The Birds and the Bees
Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asks what's wrong.
"Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."
---
Little Johnny asks curiously, "What are you doing, Dad?"
His father quickly replies, "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed."
Little Johnny replies, "What are you gonna do -- screw him?"
---
Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"
The teacher smiles and says, "Alright, Johnny, what is your multisyllabic word?"
Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."
The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "No, ma'am, you're thinking of a blow job. I'm talking about jerking off."
---
A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers.
Salesman: "Can I see your dad?"
Johnny: "No, he's in the shower."
Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?"
Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too."
Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?"
Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead."
---
His father says, "We're playing cards, and your mother is my wild card."
A week later, Little Johnny walks in on his father masturbating. He asks, "What are you doing?"
His father says, "I'm playing cards."
"Where's your wild card?" Johnny asks.
His father replies, "Son, you don't need one when you've got a good hand."
---
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"
---
The next day Little Johnny walks in on his father while he's in the shower. He asks, "What is that big long thing hanging between your legs?" His father replies, "It is a snake."
A few days later, Little Johnny walks in on his mother, once again in the bathtub. He asks, "What are those two baggy things hanging above your bellybutton?" She replies, "Headlights."
A couple weeks go by and the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. He yells, "Mom, turn on your headlights! The snake is crawling into your bush!"
---
Hope these brought a smile to your face today :p
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
---
| Little Johnny and God |
One day little Johnny was walking up a hill pulling his red wagon behind him saying,"Fuck this," "Fuck that."
The town priest hears this and walks up to Johnny and says,"You shouldn't swear like that, Johnny. God is all around us."
"Is he in the sky?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
"Is he in that bush over there?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest."
Is he in my wagon?" asked Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
"Well tell him to get the fuck out and push!!!"
----
Little Johnny... Nickels and Dimes
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"
---
Little Johnny... The Birds and the Bees
Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asks what's wrong.
"Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."
---
Little Johnny... The Mouse
Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom. His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed.Little Johnny asks curiously, "What are you doing, Dad?"
His father quickly replies, "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed."
Little Johnny replies, "What are you gonna do -- screw him?"
---
Little Johnny... Big Word
The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multisyllabic words, class. Does anyone have an example of a multisyllabic word?"Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"
The teacher smiles and says, "Alright, Johnny, what is your multisyllabic word?"
Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."
The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "No, ma'am, you're thinking of a blow job. I'm talking about jerking off."
---
| Little Johnny... Salesman |
Salesman: "Can I see your dad?"
Johnny: "No, he's in the shower."
Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?"
Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too."
Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?"
Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead."
---
Little Johnny... Playing Cards
Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex and asks, "What are you doing?"His father says, "We're playing cards, and your mother is my wild card."
A week later, Little Johnny walks in on his father masturbating. He asks, "What are you doing?"
His father says, "I'm playing cards."
"Where's your wild card?" Johnny asks.
His father replies, "Son, you don't need one when you've got a good hand."
---
| Little Johnny... Quit Bugging Me |
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"
---
Little Johnny... Snakes and Bushes
Little Johnny walks in on his mother in the bathtub. He asks his mother what is the big fuzzy patch below her bellybutton. She replies, "A bush."The next day Little Johnny walks in on his father while he's in the shower. He asks, "What is that big long thing hanging between your legs?" His father replies, "It is a snake."
A few days later, Little Johnny walks in on his mother, once again in the bathtub. He asks, "What are those two baggy things hanging above your bellybutton?" She replies, "Headlights."
A couple weeks go by and the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. He yells, "Mom, turn on your headlights! The snake is crawling into your bush!"
---
Little Johnny... Know It All
Little Johnny asks his mother her age.
She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.
Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"
To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.
On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.
Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"
---
Little Johnny asks his mother her age.
She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.
Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"
To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.
On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.
Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"
---
Hope these brought a smile to your face today :p
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
You know you're getting old when...
One of my best friends is freaking out because he feels like he's getting old. Here's a post for him.
Have fun while you still have your youth! <3
---
You know you're getting old when...
Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.
All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.
It takes twice as long to look half as good.
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.
The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
When getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
When happy hour is a nap.
When you have a choice of two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home earlier.
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You feel like the morning after when you haven't been anywhere the night before.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
Have fun while you still have your youth! <3
---
You know you're getting old when...
Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.
All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.
It takes twice as long to look half as good.
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.
The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
When getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
When happy hour is a nap.
When you have a choice of two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home earlier.
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You feel like the morning after when you haven't been anywhere the night before.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Oddly Sexual Product Names
Oddly Sexual Product Names
----
12 Words That Sound Dirty But Aren't
Definitions from Merriam-Webster Online.
PILFER (v)
ISN'T: puffer, poofter, piffer
IS: to steal in small quantities
WONK (n)
ISN'T: a person preoccupied with beating his meat.
IS: a person preoccupied with arcane details or procedures in a specialized field
SYLPH (n)
ISN'T: an abbreviation for a sexually transmitted disease
IS: a slender, graceful woman.
BOFFIN (n)
ISN'T: the thing you got caught doing in high school in the back seat of your car
IS: a scientific expert, especially one involved in technological research, who was probably working on a science project in the high school lab while you were doing that thing in the back seat of your car.
FILCH (v)
ISN'T: felch (no link; if you don't know what it is, trust me, you don't want to know)
IS: to steal furtively or casually
BINDLESTIFF (n)
ISN'T: an erection
IS: a hobo who carries his belongings in a bundle, often at the end of an erect stick.
QUINCUNX (n)
ISN'T: the arrangement of 483 folds of skin, protrusions and crevices otherwise known as the vagina.
IS: An arrangement of five things in a square or rectangle with one at each corner and one in the middle.
PIEBALD (adj)
ISN'T: an absence of pubic hair on a woman
IS: composed of incongruous parts or different colors
VULNERARY (n, adj)
ISN'T: Anything related to the vulva or "axe wound" (slang)
IS: Something used or useful for treating wounds.
SUCCOR (n, v)(pronounced "sucker")
ISN'T: a person who gives you sexual relief
IS: relief or something that provides relief
NICTITATE
ISN'T: Anything to do with a tit or lactation.
IS: To wink.
SEAPUSS (n)
ISN'T: Sex in the ocean.
IS: An underwater current; a swirling undertow.
What are some others?
Observations of our Animal Friends
WHAT PART OF QUIET
DIDN'T YOU UNDERSTAND??
EVERYONE NEEDS TO FEEL SECURE
COULDN'T HELP IT MA, THAT FIRST STEP'S A KILLER..
NOW WHAT DO I DO???
IT'S IN THERE SOMEWHERE, I JUST KNOW IT!!
I REALLY NEED TO GET GOING, BUT JUST
CAN'T SEEM TO GET MOTIVATED.............
MAN...I'M GETTING SO FAT I CAN
HARDLY SCRATCH MY OWN BUTT!!
THESE MORNING WALKS
ARE KILLING ME!!!!
WE IS FRIENDS...... 
HAVE YOU SMILED TODAY??
It is done by moving the corners
HAVE YOU SMILED TODAY??
It is done by moving the corners
of the mouth upward.
LET US SHOW YOU HOW..............
LET US SHOW YOU HOW..............
NOW PASS IT ON, AND MAKE
SOMEONE ELSE SMILE!!!
Now.................Just in case
nobody has smiled at you today......... Now.................Just in case
Friday, March 20, 2009
Words to Live By
If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. (Just remember how lucky you were to get a free trip around the sun.)
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.
Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
If you must choose between two evils, choose the one that you've never tried before.
Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. (Just remember how lucky you were to get a free trip around the sun.)
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.
Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
If you must choose between two evils, choose the one that you've never tried before.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Amusing Graffiti
Graffiti
/grÉ™-fiti/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [gruh-fee-tee] Show IPA
Use graffiti in a Sentence
See web results for graffiti
See images of graffiti
–noun
1. pl. of graffito.
2. (used with a plural verb) markings, as initials, slogans, or drawings, written, spray-painted, or sketched on a sidewalk, wall of a building or public restroom, or the like: These graffiti are evidence of the neighborhood's decline.
3. (used with a singular verb) such markings as a whole or as constituting a particular group: Not much graffiti appears around here these days.
Amusing Graffiti
/grÉ™-fiti/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [gruh-fee-tee] Show IPA
Use graffiti in a Sentence
See web results for graffiti
See images of graffiti
–noun
1. pl. of graffito.
2. (used with a plural verb) markings, as initials, slogans, or drawings, written, spray-painted, or sketched on a sidewalk, wall of a building or public restroom, or the like: These graffiti are evidence of the neighborhood's decline.
3. (used with a singular verb) such markings as a whole or as constituting a particular group: Not much graffiti appears around here these days.
Amusing Graffiti
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Some Irish jokes
Irish Shopping
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?" "Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives
*******************************************************
I've Lost Me Luggage
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!"said the Irishman.
*****************************************************
Water to Wine
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
************************************************
The Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."
Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.
*************************************
An Irish Fight
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. That little sod, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should
have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
*****************************************************************
Irish Cemetery
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."! Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
*************************************************
Irish Accident
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda.
"Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."! Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda ... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
*************************************************
Irish Predicament
Drunk, Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a
Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
***************************************************
Irish Last Request
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'
(Email forward)
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Brainteasers & optical illusions
Happy ST. Pattys day!
Don't get get trashed n crash!
The man, the word
See the baby?
How many balck circles do you see? Are there even any black circles?
Are the circles moving?
Is it expanding?
What color are the outer dots?
Is the center circle on the left or right larger?
What troubles you?
Ask the Infintely Magic 8 Ball to find out.
Brain Teasers
1. Some months have 30 days, some have 31;
how many months have 28 days?
2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?
3. If you had only one match and entered a room in which there was a kerosene lamp, an oil heater, and a wood burning stove, which would you light first?
4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?
5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?
6. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
7. How many animals of each species did Moses take aboard the Ark with him?
8. How far can a dog run into the woods?
9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.
10. Is it legal in California for a man to marry his widow's sister?
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?
12. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?
13. I have in my hand only 2 U.S. coins which total 55 cents in value. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
14. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many did he have left?
15. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add ten. What is the answer?
****************************************
Awnsers:
1. All 12 have 28 days
2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.
3. Light the match first.
4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the Northpole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.
5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division isperformed before addition. So... half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three.
6. Yes, and a 5th, a 6th, ...
7. I thought Noah brought 2 of each animal, not Moses
8. Halfway, then he would be running out of the woods.
9. The time/month/date/year of an American style calendar are 12:34, 5/6/78.
10. No. You can't marry someone if you're dead!
11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.
12. The temperature.
13. A half-dollar and a nickel. (Only one was not a nickel)
14. 9 sheep
15. 70
----------------------------------------
Examine the following sequence of numbers.
1
11
21
1211
111221
312211
13112221
1113213211
31131211131221
What are the next two numbers in the given series?
***
You have two hourglasses--a 4-minute glass and a 7-minute glass.
You want to measure 9 minutes. How do you do it?
***
They are three errers in this puzzle - what are they?
Answer:1. errers (should be errors) 2. They (should be There) 3. there are only two errors.
There is a grid of 20 squares by 10 squares. How many different rectangles are possible?
Note that square is a rectangle.
If three babies are born every second of the day, then how many babies will be born in the year 2004?
Question
There is a common English word that is nine letters long. Each time you remove a letter from it, it still remains an English word - from nine letters right down to a single letter. What is the original word, and what are the words that it becomes after removing one letter at a time?
Answer: The base word is Startling - starting - staring - string - sting - sing - sin - in - I
You are running in a road race with 9 other racers. If you overtake the person who is in last place in the race, what position will you be in?
Question:
I start with the letter E.
I end with the letter E.
I usually contain only one letter
Yet I am not the letter E!
What am I?
Awnser:An envelope.
How many times does the number/digit 7 appear in the numbers between 1 and 100?
***
A man was found murdered on Sunday morning. His wife immediately called the police. The police questioned the wife and staff and got these alibis:
The Wife said she was sleeping.
The Cook was cooking breakfast.
The Gardener was picking vegetables.
The Maid was getting the mail.
The Butler was cleaning the closet.
The police instantly arrested the murdered. Who did it and how did they know?
It was the Maid. She said she was getting the mail. There is no mail on Sunday! (next day air and email doesn't count)
***
Question
What 7 letter word becomes longer when the third letter is removed?
***
Riddle 1
Today he is there to trip you up,
And he will torture you tomorrow.
Yet he is also there to ease the pain,
When you are lost in grief and sorrow.
What is he?
---
Riddle 2
Five hundred begins it, five hundred ends it,
Five in the middle is seen;
First of all figures, the first of all letters,
Take up their stations between.
Join all together, and then you will bring
Before you the name of an eminent king.
Who is he?
---
Riddle 3
Though liquid to start,
don't push me too far,
For then I will break,
and the damage may scar.
What am I?
---
Riddle 4
There is one that has a head without an eye,
And there's one that has an eye without a head.
You may find the answer if you try.
And when all is said,
Half the answer hangs by a thread.
What are they?
#1 (Alcohol) #2 (DAVID) (Roman Numerals) #3 (glass or a window) #4 (pins and needles)
Don't get get trashed n crash!
The man, the word
See the baby?
How many balck circles do you see? Are there even any black circles?
Are the circles moving?
Is it expanding?
What color are the outer dots?
Is the center circle on the left or right larger?
What troubles you?
Ask the Infintely Magic 8 Ball to find out.
Brain Teasers
1. Some months have 30 days, some have 31;
how many months have 28 days?
2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?
3. If you had only one match and entered a room in which there was a kerosene lamp, an oil heater, and a wood burning stove, which would you light first?
4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?
5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?
6. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
7. How many animals of each species did Moses take aboard the Ark with him?
8. How far can a dog run into the woods?
9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.
10. Is it legal in California for a man to marry his widow's sister?
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?
12. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?
13. I have in my hand only 2 U.S. coins which total 55 cents in value. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
14. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many did he have left?
15. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add ten. What is the answer?
****************************************
Awnsers:
1. All 12 have 28 days
2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.
3. Light the match first.
4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the Northpole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.
5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division isperformed before addition. So... half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three.
6. Yes, and a 5th, a 6th, ...
7. I thought Noah brought 2 of each animal, not Moses
8. Halfway, then he would be running out of the woods.
9. The time/month/date/year of an American style calendar are 12:34, 5/6/78.
10. No. You can't marry someone if you're dead!
11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.
12. The temperature.
13. A half-dollar and a nickel. (Only one was not a nickel)
14. 9 sheep
15. 70
----------------------------------------
Examine the following sequence of numbers.
1
11
21
1211
111221
312211
13112221
1113213211
31131211131221
What are the next two numbers in the given series?
***
You have two hourglasses--a 4-minute glass and a 7-minute glass.
You want to measure 9 minutes. How do you do it?
***
They are three errers in this puzzle - what are they?
Answer:1. errers (should be errors) 2. They (should be There) 3. there are only two errors.
There is a grid of 20 squares by 10 squares. How many different rectangles are possible?
Note that square is a rectangle.
If three babies are born every second of the day, then how many babies will be born in the year 2004?
Question
There is a common English word that is nine letters long. Each time you remove a letter from it, it still remains an English word - from nine letters right down to a single letter. What is the original word, and what are the words that it becomes after removing one letter at a time?
Answer: The base word is Startling - starting - staring - string - sting - sing - sin - in - I
You are running in a road race with 9 other racers. If you overtake the person who is in last place in the race, what position will you be in?
Question:
I start with the letter E.
I end with the letter E.
I usually contain only one letter
Yet I am not the letter E!
What am I?
Awnser:An envelope.
How many times does the number/digit 7 appear in the numbers between 1 and 100?
***
A man was found murdered on Sunday morning. His wife immediately called the police. The police questioned the wife and staff and got these alibis:
The Wife said she was sleeping.
The Cook was cooking breakfast.
The Gardener was picking vegetables.
The Maid was getting the mail.
The Butler was cleaning the closet.
The police instantly arrested the murdered. Who did it and how did they know?
It was the Maid. She said she was getting the mail. There is no mail on Sunday! (next day air and email doesn't count)
***
Question
What 7 letter word becomes longer when the third letter is removed?
***
Riddle 1
Today he is there to trip you up,
And he will torture you tomorrow.
Yet he is also there to ease the pain,
When you are lost in grief and sorrow.
What is he?
---
Riddle 2
Five hundred begins it, five hundred ends it,
Five in the middle is seen;
First of all figures, the first of all letters,
Take up their stations between.
Join all together, and then you will bring
Before you the name of an eminent king.
Who is he?
---
Riddle 3
Though liquid to start,
don't push me too far,
For then I will break,
and the damage may scar.
What am I?
---
Riddle 4
There is one that has a head without an eye,
And there's one that has an eye without a head.
You may find the answer if you try.
And when all is said,
Half the answer hangs by a thread.
What are they?
#1 (Alcohol) #2 (DAVID) (Roman Numerals) #3 (glass or a window) #4 (pins and needles)
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Beautiful trees & tree houses
I was out walking today hoping for some more spring like weather when I noticed a beautiful tree. I wish I could of had my camera! I decided to come home, do some research and make a post about some beautiful trees around the world.
Angel Oak
Angel Oak is one of the oldest organisms east of the Mississippi, believed to be over 1,500 years-old.
Before you start with the “It’s photoshoped” comments, check Wikipedia and you’ll see it’s very real. Angel Oak is one of the most popular tourist attractions in Charlestone, South Carolina. It has a height of 20 meters, measures 2.7 meters in diameter and it’s crown shades an area of 1,600 square meters. It’s longest limb stretches out 27 meters.
Its name comes from the Angel estate, but local legends say ghosts of former slaves sometimes appear around the tree, as angels.
Angel Oak has survived countless earthquakes and floods, as well as human interference. It was damaged by Hurricane Hugo, in 1989, but has since then recovered.
---
Strange & funny trees
Here are some really strange trees from around this weird wonderful world. Some are huge, some are small, but they all are unique one way or another. The funny part is that some of them are growing right in the middle of a town. Have a look for yourself.
---
Bonsai
If you are looking for a way to bring nature indoors, you definitely need to look into getting a bonsai tree. Bonsai trees are beautiful and add a refreshing feel to a room. They are fun to take care of and they even make great gifts.
It is believed that growing bonsai trees first start during the Han Dynasty (206 BC~220 AD) in China. Later on it came to Japan where the art of bonsai tree growing was perfected. Bonsai tree growing is nature captured in miniature, thus, the small trees in pots.
A bonsai tree has a unique beauty. It is almost like you take your favorite tree that you enjoy sitting under and shrink it down small enough to set on your table. By growing your own or shopping for the perfect bonsai tree, you can find one that reminds you of your favorite tree that you grew up enjoying.
---
Truck in the tree
When Luke Madson told his dad, Mark, he needed some help to build a Tree House, he had no idea what he was in for. It seems as if the tree was made to hold this truck, because it fits perfectly between the two massive trunks of the tree. It fits so tight in fact, that Luke and his buddies have to crawl in through the windows, "Dukes of Hazzard" style.
Once they are inside, they can drive anywhere their imagination can take them. With the sounds of Interstate Highway 43 and the sway of the tree in the breeze, it's not hard to make believe that you are Peter Pan.
Of course, you have to provide your own engine sounds, with the help of your vibrating lips, and the radio will play any song you like, as long as you know the words. The box provides plenty of room to play, or to just lay back and watch the clouds drift by.
There's nothing like a truck lifted to the sky or in the sky for that matter. Ford F150 lift kits from AmericanTrucks do just that, for cheap.
---
The Tree-House Restaurant
This Okinawa Tree-House restaurant, on Highway 58 at the entrance in Onoyama Park in the south of Japan. What may look like a genuine tree is actually a man-made concrete structure, just like the French used to build in the lathe 19th century. Customers actually have to get in an elevator inside the “trunk” to reach the restaurant. I have to say it’s a pretty original idea and the work on the tree is amazing, I couldn’t tell it was fake the first time I saw it.
Another Tree-House Restaurant
The amazing Yellow Treehouse Restaurant in Auckland, New Zealand pictured below is not only a very cool restaurant but an architectural masterpiece.
----
Invisible Tree-House
Swedish firm Tham & Videgard Hansson Arkitekter is the genius behind this incredibly cool and nearly invisible treehouse. Located in northern Sweden, the treehouse more specifically serves as a hotel. The mirrored glass walls provide what I can only imagine to be a stunning 360 degree view....cool!
Neat Tree-Houses
Angel Oak
Angel Oak is one of the oldest organisms east of the Mississippi, believed to be over 1,500 years-old.
Before you start with the “It’s photoshoped” comments, check Wikipedia and you’ll see it’s very real. Angel Oak is one of the most popular tourist attractions in Charlestone, South Carolina. It has a height of 20 meters, measures 2.7 meters in diameter and it’s crown shades an area of 1,600 square meters. It’s longest limb stretches out 27 meters.
Its name comes from the Angel estate, but local legends say ghosts of former slaves sometimes appear around the tree, as angels.
Angel Oak has survived countless earthquakes and floods, as well as human interference. It was damaged by Hurricane Hugo, in 1989, but has since then recovered.
---
Strange & funny trees
Here are some really strange trees from around this weird wonderful world. Some are huge, some are small, but they all are unique one way or another. The funny part is that some of them are growing right in the middle of a town. Have a look for yourself.
---
Bonsai
If you are looking for a way to bring nature indoors, you definitely need to look into getting a bonsai tree. Bonsai trees are beautiful and add a refreshing feel to a room. They are fun to take care of and they even make great gifts.
It is believed that growing bonsai trees first start during the Han Dynasty (206 BC~220 AD) in China. Later on it came to Japan where the art of bonsai tree growing was perfected. Bonsai tree growing is nature captured in miniature, thus, the small trees in pots.
A bonsai tree has a unique beauty. It is almost like you take your favorite tree that you enjoy sitting under and shrink it down small enough to set on your table. By growing your own or shopping for the perfect bonsai tree, you can find one that reminds you of your favorite tree that you grew up enjoying.
---
Truck in the tree
When Luke Madson told his dad, Mark, he needed some help to build a Tree House, he had no idea what he was in for. It seems as if the tree was made to hold this truck, because it fits perfectly between the two massive trunks of the tree. It fits so tight in fact, that Luke and his buddies have to crawl in through the windows, "Dukes of Hazzard" style.
Once they are inside, they can drive anywhere their imagination can take them. With the sounds of Interstate Highway 43 and the sway of the tree in the breeze, it's not hard to make believe that you are Peter Pan.
Of course, you have to provide your own engine sounds, with the help of your vibrating lips, and the radio will play any song you like, as long as you know the words. The box provides plenty of room to play, or to just lay back and watch the clouds drift by.
There's nothing like a truck lifted to the sky or in the sky for that matter. Ford F150 lift kits from AmericanTrucks do just that, for cheap.
---
The Tree-House Restaurant
This Okinawa Tree-House restaurant, on Highway 58 at the entrance in Onoyama Park in the south of Japan. What may look like a genuine tree is actually a man-made concrete structure, just like the French used to build in the lathe 19th century. Customers actually have to get in an elevator inside the “trunk” to reach the restaurant. I have to say it’s a pretty original idea and the work on the tree is amazing, I couldn’t tell it was fake the first time I saw it.
Another Tree-House Restaurant
The amazing Yellow Treehouse Restaurant in Auckland, New Zealand pictured below is not only a very cool restaurant but an architectural masterpiece.
----
Invisible Tree-House
Swedish firm Tham & Videgard Hansson Arkitekter is the genius behind this incredibly cool and nearly invisible treehouse. Located in northern Sweden, the treehouse more specifically serves as a hotel. The mirrored glass walls provide what I can only imagine to be a stunning 360 degree view....cool!
Neat Tree-Houses
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