Ideas for your voicemail or answering machine

It's the beginning of a new year and a lot of people like to change their voicemail or answering machine messages around this time. If you've been considering changing yours but haven't thought of anything witty enough yet, here are a few ideas.



"My lover and I can't come to the phone right now but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished."

"A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message."

"Hi! This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."

"Hi! Now you say something."

"Hi! I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

"Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!"

"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. ?Please speak very slowly and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

"Hello! You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their pictures taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

"This is not an answering machine This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call."

"Hi! I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message and if I don't call back, it's you."

"Hi! This is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

"Hi! If you are a burglar, we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message."

"Hello! You've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."

"These words are lovely dark and deep, but I've got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep, so leave a message at the beep."

"Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape!"

"Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges."

"I'm gone."

"You have reached 555-6238. Why?"

"This is you-know-who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when."

"You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep."

"This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway." [Useful to keep people from calling at odd hours to hear your latest exciting message.]

"[Classical music in background, slow stoned voice:] Don't you ever wonder what life would be like? ..."

"So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee."

"This is 234-3249, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a message though."

"Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye."

A few more funny messages:

"Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly.
So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."

"Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I've already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are
my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."

"Hi, I'm probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

"Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us."

(Sexy female voice with heavy panting)... "Hi, you've reached 555-3456. John is in... (Sigh) Oh no, he's out... (aah) Yes, he's in again...(ooh) No he's out... (aah) Why don't you just leave your name and number and he'll call you as soon as he... comes."