Some jokes :)

My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your health.” So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. (Jackie Mason)

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. “I quit" he says. “That’s not surprising,” the elders say. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother. (Henny Youngman) 

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said. “No. I hate myself now.” (Rodney Dangerfield)

I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. (Rodney Dangerfield)

I went to my doctor and told him “my penis is burning.” He said, “That means somebody is talking about it.” (Garry Shandling)

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, “Here’s a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.” The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator’s mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It’s a woman. “I’ll give it a try,” she says, “but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pulls his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: “Paint…my…house.”

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. “Here’s that $20 I owe you,” he says.

A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, “please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back.” And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: “He had a hat!” (Myron Cohen) 

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. “Are you gonna play golf?” he asks “Or are you just gonna fuck around?”

I was raised half Jewish and half Catholic. When I’d go to confession, I’d say “Bless me, father, for I have sinned — and you know my attorney, Mr.Cohen.” (Bill Maher)

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, my brother’s crazy, he thinks he’s a chicken.” The doctor says, “Why don’t you turn him in?” The guy says, “We would. But we need the eggs.”

  A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three
  rooms, and says he must choose one spend eternity in. In the first room,
  people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says “no, let me see
  the next room.” In the second room, people are standing with shit up to
  their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third
  room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and
  eating danish pastries. The guy says, “I pick this room.” Satan says okay
  and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On
  the way out Satan yells, “O.K., coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your
  heads!”

  A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races
  in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. “Douchebag!” the
  father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and
  turns to face his son. “Your father just said a bad word,” he says. “I was
  angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong.
  But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want
  to hear you saying it. Is that clear?” His son looks at him and says: “Too
  late, douchebag.”

  Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly
  appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the
  campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack,
  digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The
  second guys says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that
  bear.” “I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need
  to outrun you.”

  A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. “This dog can speak
  English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says
  to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Oh,
  come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the
  guy says. He asks the dog “what does sandpaper feel like?” “Rough!” the dog
  answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing
  his patience. “No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you. ” He
  turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball
  player of all time?” “Ruth!” goes the dog. And the talent scount, having
  seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns
  to the guy and says “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”  

A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, “Sir, you are
  drunk.” Churchill replies, “Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be
  sober.”