Top Edible Aphrodisiacs

Here are foods that are linked with love. 

Avocado

It could be the sensuous pear shape or the rich flavor of the fruit that gives avocado its aphrodisiac reputation. Whether added to salad, pureed in soups or chopped into the perfect bowl of fresh guacamole, the sea-green treat is perfect on your Valentine's table. 

Bananas

Rich in potassium and vitamin B, bananas are a feel-good food. For a sweet overindulgence, try a banana milkshake made with ripe bananas, milk and honey. According to banana.com, the combination will calm your stomach and re-regulate your blood sugar.

Chili Peppers This invigorating spice has an exotic reputation and stimulates endorphins. No wonder it is considered a symbol of love. Arriba!

Honey Birds and bees ring a bell? Honey is made through pollination and is a symbol of procreation. The word "honeymoon" got its name from mead, an alcoholic beverage made from honey, which was given to the happy couple.

Pine Nuts 

High in energizing zinc, pine nuts are also considered aphrodisiacs because of the effort required to procure these oily gems from pinecones.

Figs

Used by Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, the fig paradoxically symbolizes both sexuality and modesty. 

Arugula 

According to gourmetsleuth.com, this peppery plant has been documented as an aphrodisiac since the first century A.D. Toss it in a vibrant salad to give it a try. 

Oysters 

One of the most notorious aphrodisiacs, oysters are high in zinc and have a reputation for being great for love and fertility. 

Coffee  

The caffeine in coffee is a stimulant that ups the heart rate and makes the blood flow. Additionally, it is the top source of antioxidants in the American diet, according to a 2005 University of Scranton study.

 Chocolate 

The mysterious powers of chocolate are well loved. Whatever is in the sweet substance that sends us running back for more, it's definitely indispensable to Valentine's Day.

 Watermelon

According to sciencedaily.com, this "lycopene king" may have a Viagra-like effect on the body. It relaxes blood vessels and improves circulation. It's also extremely low in calories and delicious.

Olives

Packed with antioxidants, olives and their oil have been used for centuries for health. The Greeks believed they made men more virile as well. Plus, olives make for a perfect low-carb appetizer.

Strawberries

Whether coated in a chocolate shell, dipped in whipped cream or nibbled on their own, strawberries are delicious. Feed them to each other for a healthy, vitamin C-packed dessert.

Cherries

Ice cream sundaes are lost without them. Drop a bright Maraschino cherry in a classic Manhattan for a grown-up romantic treat.

 Artichokes

Steam a few artichokes in white wine. Pull off the leaves and when you get to the center, share the delicious choke with the one you love.

Tea

Or you can skip the coffee after dinner and reach for a cup of chai tea. The typical spices in this brew—ginger, cloves and cinnamon—will get the blood flowing but the caffeine effect is less so you'll still be able to drift off to sleep after your meal.

Pomegranates

These bright gems enclosed in a thick rose husk are filled with antioxidants and make a sweet-tart addition to salads, dips and desserts.

 Whipped Cream

Decadent yet light as air, it just isn't dessert without this rich topping.

Steak

Carnal and decadent, steak makes for a rich and satisfying meal to share with your mate. 

And the germiest places are...

Surprising germ havens in your home.


Used Bath Towels

Do you share a bath towel with your hubby or kids? It may sound like a good idea, but health experts say it’s a big no-no. “I remind my patients that even though it seems like sharing bath towels among family members is no big deal, and good for the environment, it’s actually an unhealthy practice,” says Susan C. Taylor, MD, community editor for BeWell.com.

“MRSA, a dangerous staph infection that is resistant to many antibiotics, can be spread by sharing towels with your husband, even your kids,” she says. “Research also indicates that bacteria that can cause acne can also be spread among family members from towel sharing. It’s also a good idea to replace hand towels in the bathroom frequently.”

Washing Machine

Your washing machine is where clothes get clean, right? Not always. According to Charles P. Gerba, PhD, of the University of Arizona Department of Soil, Water and Environmental Science, your laundry machine could be contaminating your clothing and linens.

Here’s why: “The reason we have more viruses not being removed by laundry today is because 95 percent of Americans use cold-water washes with an average wash cycle of about 12 minutes,” says Dr. Gerba. “Contrast this to European Miele washing machines, with 140-minute wash cycles and the ability to set the wash temperature to 180 degrees.”

Want to zap the germs in your dirty clothes? Dr. Gerba recommends washing most loads in hot water. “Undergarments are the worst, and you should try to use bleach in these loads, otherwise they will contaminate the next load,” he says.

Computer Keyboard

You always wash your hands after using the bathroom, but do you do the same after touching your keyboard? Maybe you should, Dr. Gerba says: “There are about 200 times more bacteria on a keyboard than a toilet seat.” The reason, he continues, “is that nobody ever cleans and disinfects a keyboard.” And, he adds, the more users of the computer (think of the traffic your home computer gets between you, your husband and the kids), the more germs.

Keyboards can be breeding grounds for cold germs, flu viruses and bacteria that can cause diarrhea. Best bet: Keep your hands clean! Wash them before and after using the computer. Also, clean your keyboard every week by spraying disinfecting spray onto a cloth and lightly wiping it down.

Carpets and Rugs

It’s not exactly encouraging news: Experts say that most people’s carpets and rugs contain a whopping 200,000 bacteria particles per square inch. In fact, Dr. Gerba’s research has revealed that carpets in most homes are 4,000 times dirtier than toilet seats—toilet seats!

The solution? A vacuum with UV-light technology, like the Oreck Halo, could be a good option. These vacuums are believed to kill many bacteria, viruses and allergens on contact. But they’re pricey. You can also use the vacuum you already have and consider going shoeless in your home. According to Elizabeth Scott, a germ expert and codirector of the Simmons College Center for Hygiene and Health in Home and Community Settings in Boston, one of the best ways to keep your carpets and floors germ-free is to kick off your shoes at the door. “You can bring pathogenic bacteria and mold spores into the home on the soles of shoes,” she says.

Beds

Think of all the things that happen in a bed: sleeping, having sex, eating (hey, nothing wrong with a snack!), nursing babies, cuddling sick children, changing diapers, staying home sick. That’s why germ experts like Philip Tierno, MD, PhD, director of clinical microbiology at New York University Medical Center and author of The Secret Life of Germs, says your bed could be a veritable breeding ground for germs.

The solution? Invest in an impervious, water-repellent outer cover for mattresses and pillows, he says. This will prevent bacteria (and dust mites) from leaching in. Also, wash your sheets in hot water at least once a week.

Salt and Pepper Shakers

According to a study by researchers at the University of Virginia, your salt and pepper shakers may be a breeding ground for germs. To see where cold and flu viruses like to congregate in homes, they tested various places that sick people touched in the home in an 18-hour period. Blame it on bland chicken soup, but salt and pepper shakers turned out to be one of the places with the highest concentrations for lingering viruses.

What to do: Clean frequently touched surfaces, including salt and pepper shakers, with disinfecting wipes.

Bathtub

You take baths to destress, right? Then don’t think about this the next time you’re lounging in the tub: A recent study found the harmful bacteria staphylococcus in 26 percent of tested bathtubs. Worse: Whirlpool-style tubs, which some experts say may be bacterial breeding grounds due to the construction of the pipes, seem to be the biggest culprits. A study by scientists at Texas A&M University that examined water samples from 43 whirlpool tubs found that all had dangerous bacterial growth—from fecal matter to fungi.

Keep germs at bay by regularly cleaning your bathtub with a bleach-based cleaner. Whirlpool owners should consider having a professional maintenance person assist in cleaning dirty pipes.


Child’s Potty Chair

You’d never touch your toilet without washing your hands, but health experts say it’s easy to assume that your child’s potty seat is somehow cleaner. News flash: It’s not!

In fact, research has found that children’s potty chairs rank among the germiest places in the home. What’s worse? Children and parents often spread bacteria from potty chairs and seats to other surfaces in the house. “This indicates the potential for spread of fecal pathogens,” explains Scott.

What to do? Wash your hands after helping your child use the potty chair, and teach him to do the same after he’s finished. And don’t forget to clean his chair frequently with disinfecting spray (no, a quick wipe-down with a baby wipe is not going to kill germs).

Refrigerator

“The biggest misconception about refrigerators,” says Donna Duberg, MA, MS, assistant professor of clinical laboratory science at Saint Louis University, “is that bacteria doesn’t grow in cold temperatures.” Unfortunately, she says, that’s just not true. Consider the package of chicken that may have leaked on top of your yogurt lid or the unwashed vegetables that are sitting next to the kids’ juice boxes. The germs found inside a refrigerator can make you sick.

But you can fight back: Take her advice and do a weekly fridge wipe-down and a once-a-month deep clean where you take everything out, toss any spoiled food, wipe down all surfaces and scrub removable shelves in sudsy hot water.


The duhs! More germy places.


Your kitchen sink

Kitchen sinks are dirtier than most bathrooms. There are typically more than 500,000 bacteria per square inch in the drain alone. Plus your sponge, basin and faucet handles are crawling with bacteria as well.

Reduce the risk: Clean your kitchen counters and sink with an antibacterial product after preparing or cleansing food, especially raw fruits and vegetables, which carry lots of potential pathogens like salmonella, campylobacter and E. coli. Wash your hands as well with warm, soapy water for 20 seconds (long enough to sing “Happy Birthday”). Sanitize sponges by running them through the dishwasher’s drying cycle, which will kill 99.9 percent of bacteria on them. As for the sink, clean it twice a week with a solution of one tablespoon of chlorine bleach and one quart of water. Scrub the basin, the pour solution down the drain.

Airplane bathrooms

It may not be a shock that there are a huge number of germs in most public bathrooms, but experts agree the cramped and overused ones on airplanes are the worst. There are often traces of E. coli or fecal bacteria on the faucets and door handles because it’s hard to wash hands in the tiny sinks. And the volcanic flush of the commode tends to spew particles into the air, coating the floor and walls with whatever had been swirling around in it.

Reduce the risk: Toilet seats are surprisingly clean, but use the paper cover when available. After using the toilet, wash and dry your hands thoroughly, and use a paper towel to handle the toilet seat, lid, tap and doorknob. Put the lid down before you flush. If there’s no lid, turn your back to the toilet while flushing and beat a hasty retreat.

Public drinking fountains

Drinking fountains are bound to be germy, but school fountains are the worst, with anywhere from 62,000 to 2.7 million bacteria per square inch on the spigot.

Reduce the risk: Send your child to school with plenty of their own beverages and tell them to wash their hands throughout the day.

Shopping cart handles

Saliva, bacteria and fecal matter are just a few of the substances found on shopping cart handles. Cart handles rank high on the yuck scale because they’re handled by dozens of people every day and, of course, raw food carries nasty pathogens.

Reduce the risk: Many stores have dispensers with disinfectant wipes near the carts. If your store doesn’t, bring your own wipes and give the handle a quick swab. Or carry along a cart cover like the Grip-Guard or Healthy Handle.

ATM buttons

If you’re not careful, you might pick up more than quick cash from your local ATM. These buttons have more gunk on them than most public-bathroom doorknobs! ATMs aren’t frequently cleaned, and are regularly touched — a perfect combination for a lot of germs.

Reduce the risk: Carry an alcohol-based hand sanitizer with you and rub it on hands after visits. Also be sure to do it after you handle paper money, which actually carries quite a few germs, too.

Your handbag

Recent studies found that most women’s purses had tens of thousands of bacteria on the bottom and a few were overrun with millions. Another study found bugs like pseudomonas (which can cause eye infections) and skin-infection-causing staphylococcus bacteria, as well as salmonella and E. coli.

Reduce the risk: Instead of slinging your bag on the floor, hang it on a hook whenever possible — especially in public bathrooms — and keep your bag off the kitchen counter. Stick with leather or vinyl purses, which are typically cleaner than cloth.

Playgrounds

There’s just no way to put this delicately: Children tend to ooze bodily fluids and then spread them around. When researchers sampled playgrounds, they found blood, mucus, saliva and urine. Pair those findings with the fact that children put their fingers in their mouths and noses more than the rest of us, and it’s easy to understand why Junior (and maybe his mom or dad) has the sniffles.

Reduce the risk: Carry alcohol wipes or hand-sanitizing gel in your purse, and clean everybody’s hands a couple of times during a park visit, especially before snacking. Pick warm sunny days for outdoor play: The sun’s ultraviolet light is actually a very effective disinfectant. Most bugs won’t survive long on surfaces that are hot and dry.

Mats and machines at health clubs

Antibiotic-resistant staphylococcus has been found on yoga mats and cardio and resistance machines. At high schools, antibiotic-resistant-staph infections have been transmitted through wrestling mats. The same thing could happen at health clubs.

Reduce the risk: Wipe down machines with antibacterial wipes before working out. Bring your own yoga mat or cover a loaner with your towel. Shower after a workout and soap up your skin to rinse off any bacteria you may have been exposed to, as thorough washing gets rid of antibiotic-resistant staph.

Your office phone

This is enough to make you dial 911: Office phones often have more than 25,000 germs per square inch, and your desk, computer keyboard and mouse aren’t far behind. Phones, including cell phones, can be pretty gross because they get coated with germs from your mouth and hands.

Reduce the risk: Simply cleaning your desk, phone and keyboard with a disinfecting wipe once in the middle of the day will kill 99.99 percent of the bacteria and viruses.

The hotel-room remote control

What’s the first thing you do when you settle in at a hotel? You grab the remote control and switch on the TV — you, and the hundreds of other guests who’ve stayed there. How dirty is it? A recent study tested various surfaces for the cold virus after a group of sick people had stayed overnight and found the virus on the remote, door handles, light switches, pens and faucet handles.

Reduce the risk: Clean the remote control, phone, clock radio, door handles and light switches with germicidal wipes.


The germiest places in the world
TripAdvisor announces the top germ-havens that attract visitors

Grauman's Chinese Theater, Hollywood, Calif.

The forecourt to this historical Hollywood landmark features the hand and footprints of some of the biggest stars in history. But this intimate look at Hollywood's hands can get a bit grimy given that millions of fans place their fingers in the molds of their favorites. You may think about bringing some gloves or hand sanitizer before comparing your own paws to those of the greats. One TripAdvisor traveler said, "You couldn't help comparing your feet and hands, too [with those of the stars]."

St. Mark's Square, Venice, Italy

A place of immeasurable beauty, Venice's famed St. Mark's Square has a dirty side – its thousands of hungry pigeons. While vendors no longer sell food to tourists to give to the birds, they still flock in countless numbers, with many visitors choosing to touch and even hold the pigeons. Be careful – these dirty fowl have been known to leave foul unexpected gifts on tourists. One TripAdvisor traveler recalls, "I know it does seem a little bit disgusting, but it's so totally hilarious to see your friend/partner/dad being attacked by birds!"

Oscar Wilde's Tomb, Paris, France

It is a testament to the love and respect felt by book-lovers and admirers the world over – Oscar Wilde's tomb in Paris' Pere-Lachaise cemetery is famously covered in lipstick prints. But with a rainbow of hundreds of visible kiss marks adorning the grave, and countless more planted every year, one can't help but wonder ... isn't there a cleaner way to show your literary appreciation? One TripAdvisor traveler said, "The tombstone of Oscar Wilde is ... well, wild, excuse the pun."

 Wall of Gum, Seattle, Washington

A bizarre tradition at Seattle's Market Theatre in Post Alley has turned into a fascinating yet very germy attraction: a giant wall of gum. In the 1990s, visitors began sticking their gum to the wall while waiting in line, resulting in a colorful and somewhat stomach-turning sight after more than a decade of gum gathering. Some intrepid visitors have even molded shapes and faces out of their masticated gum. One TripAdvisor traveler reminds us, "Don't forget to contribute to the gum wall!"

Blarney Stone, Blarney, Ireland

Legend says that those who kiss the Blarney Stone, a block of stone built into Ireland's Blarney Castle, are rewarded with eloquent speech. But given that up to 400,000 mouths from all over the world touch the stone each year, putting your own to the grimy attraction (no easy task in itself) may be too high a price for the promised "gift of gab." One TripAdvisor traveler commented, "[You] have to bend over backwards, and kiss the stone upside down (imagine the germs on the stone from everyone doing that!)"

The 10 Germiest Jobs in America
Dr. Charles Gerba, a microbiologist at the University of Arizona, whose nickname is "Dr. Germ," spoke to ABC News recently, about the germiest professions in America:


1. Teacher/day-care worker
2. Cashier, bank employee
3. Tech support/computer repair
4. Doctor or nurse
5. Lab scientist
6. Police officer
7. Animal control officer
8. Janitor or plumber
9. Sanitation worker (AKA garbage man/woman)
10. Meat packer
I think I'd add pest control workers to the list. Just think of those poor guys (and gals) crawling around in dark basements in search of rats. Ewww.

V-DAY, 10 days and counting

I know, I know that I already posted a blog about Valentines day. But that one was all positive and lovely dovey but now I'm feeling like mixing things up.


Here's some amusing stuff I've found on the interweb lately.


The worst ways to propose to a woman


Being engaged is all about getting to go to cake tastings, being forced to have an opinion on centerpieces, and answering “how did you propose” about one billion times. Women expect to hear something romantic, like you swooped down on a flying unicorn and popped the question as you flew past the sunset. No one wants to hear that you asked her during halftime to order some more wings and/or marry you. Avoid looking like a completely douchebag by not proposing in any of the following ways.


The Post-Pregnancy Proposal
Since it’s not the 1950’s anymore and out-of-wedlock mothers aren’t required to wear the scarlet letter, there’s no reason to pop the question just because she’s pregnant. Getting married won’t change the fact that a baby is coming and all your beer money is now going to be going into the diaper fund. Do the gentleman-like thing, ask for the kid to be named after you, write her a check for 18 years of child support, and get a vasectomy.


The During Her Marriage Proposal
Despite what Hollywood may tell you, brides do not want you barging into their wedding, stopping the vows, and proclaiming your love for them. And I’ll tell you what, there are extremely high odds that she will say no. So have some class and save the big, romantic movie gestures for moments when they’re needed — such as when you ask your girlfriend to choose you over her wildly successful job.


The Edible-Ring Proposal
It sounds romantically-cliche to propose via an engagement ring hidden at the bottom of chocolate mousse. In reality, it’s a subconscious death wish for your significant other. After all, if you were caught placing chokeable objects in someone’s food in any other situation, you would be arrested for attempted murder.


The Funeral ProposalGoing to a funeral naturally makes you freak out about your future.
You’re wondering if you’ve done anything worthwhile with your life besides that 9 minute keg stand junior year of college. But your mid-life crisis is no reason to reach out to last week’s one-night stand and ask them to marry you. Instead of putting yourself on the fast track for a divorce, ask out the hottest girl at the funeral, and pray like hell you’re not related.


5. The Public ProposalDeciding to get married is kinda a big deal. It’s up there with deciding what you should do for a living and what secret file name you should hide your porn under. So why put your girlfriend on the spot by popping the question in front of family and friends? Odds are she won’t want to say “let’s talk about this later” in front of everyone. Instead you’ll get an awkward silence while she contemplates the question followed by a half-ass yes.


The Social Media ProposalJust because everyone communicates in 140 character or less these days doesn’t mean that you should propose via Facebook status. Nothing says I’m too lazy to sign offline like an e-mail with the subject line “will you marry me.” And please don’t think adding in a clever kissy smiley face will help matters at all.


The Valentine’s Day Proposal
Isn’t there enough going on with women carrying around carnations and adult men dressed as giant baby cupids? There’s no need to add to the corniness of the holiday by throwing in a wedding proposal. The only exception to this cliche proposal is if you forget to get a gift and need to think of something in a hurry.

Ways to ensure you’ll be single for the rest of your life

Everyone in our society is so focused on meeting the right person, finding your soul mate, and giving a love testimonial on the E-Harmony commercials. But what about the people who never want to date or find true love? The spinsters, the hermits, and the men who will eventually be profiled on To Catch a Predator? Well finally, there’s a guide for them on on how to remain single, alone, and satisfied for the rest of their lives.

Buy weird pets 

Anyone with a heart can love a dog and most people will tolerate a cat. But no one wants to date someone who has a bunch of wild prairie dogs burrowed in the couch or an ant farm living unrestrained in their bathtub. All of those options still leave you feeling like someone with with a weird insect fetish can fall in love with you? No fear, step the crazy pets purchase up a notch by buying something truly dangerous like a rattlesnake or crocodile.

Have a Fake Accent

Introducing yourself to someone with a phony accent can come off as funny at first. Continuing to yell “oui, oui” in a butchered French accent all night will drive potential love interests away in droves. The key to the fake accent is to make sure it truly comes off as fake and as obnoxious as possible by repeating token phrases (i.e if you’re going with German just keep saying sauerkraut and geshudeit on repeat). After all, the last thing you want is a woman with a thing for Spanish men fall more in love with you each time you say Hola.

Use pick-up lines

Use whatever resources you need from outdated search engines to your creepy uncle to find the most cliche pick-up lines out there. People will de-swoon when you approach them with “are you from Tenneesee, because you’re the only ten I see.” Make sure you’re in the clear for going home alone by using several different pick-up lines on the same person. If she starts backing away by the Tennessee line then she’ll be running for the door by the time you get to “Is your father in Jail for stealing the stars and putting them in your eyes.”

Use out-dated references

Make yourself seem inaccessibly and unattractively eccentric by throwing in out-dated references into your conversations. Nothing says leave me alone like someone who interjects “talking about inappropriate, can we discuss this Monica Lewinsky thing” into small talk about the past weekend. It’s absolutely essential you be at least ten years behind the time so feel free to throw in any Austin Powers shagging references.

Never go out

While this one seems like a no-brainer, you would be shocked by how many wannabe-singles spend their weekend nights out on the town. If you’re not working or running errands, than you should be home alone on your couch wrapped in a snuggie watching Food Network reruns. Take advantage of restaurants that deliver, jobs that let you telecommute, and homes next to unfriendly neighbors.

Don’t Follow the Rules

Make people feel extremely uncomfortable by doing what you want, wherever you want. Done with your food at the restaurant? Drop the plate on the floor. Have to pee but don’t feel like waiting in line? Just pull down your pants and go. Stop doing what society tells you, be an individual, and break some laws. However don’t break too many laws, the last thing you need is the pressure to be in a prison relationship.

Get a stupid tattoo

This is a last ditch effort to make sure that you don’t have sex. Because everyone knows that sex is going to lead to phone calls, Facebook friend requests, and pleas for Plan B money. Get a heinous, offensive, and/or infected tattoo someplace hidden on your body, preferably your butt. Nothing says I’m not looking for a relationship like a “thank you for coming” tattoo that stretches from cheek to cheek.

The types of online daters you should definitely avoid

Written for men but women can learn a few things here as well ;)

Unless you’re watching the public access channel nonstop, you may have noticed that every other commercial on TV is for some kind of online dating service. It doesn’t matter if you’re straight or gay or a biracial alien, there’s some kind of dating service out there for you! While I’m sure there are tons of perfectly normal people putting their profiles online, I’m also 100% positive that there are a lot of creeps, convicted felons, and conservatives also posting as normal people on these websites. Don’t get your heart broken… or stolen by an organ thief by avoiding these 7 people.

The Murderer

Everything about this profile is just too good to be true. Drop-dead gorgeous profile picture, inspirational about me section, 3-time winner of the e-harmony dater of the year award. If it’s too good to be true it is. If someone was that amazing, they wouldn’t have to be looking for dates nationwide. Delete this person from your potential list before they take you out for an amazing date and then use you to film their own Hostel sequel.

The Real Housewife of Match.com

This profile gem looks like something straight out of TLC’s plastic surgery nightmares special. Despite being born before World War, 2 she doesn’t have a single wrinkle on her face and her skin is pulled so tight that her eyebrows are now located right above her ears. Sure she might be nice to look at for a few seconds, but stare too long and all her support hose will fall down at the same that her staples and stitches fall out.

The Hunchback of New York City

Her profile’s full of hilarious jokes and every single one of her interest matches yours exactly. But something’s not quite right. You can’t quite put your finger on it, but you’re pretty sure it has something to do with the fact she’s wearing a bag over her head in her profile picture. The last straw should be when she asks for tips on the best ways to shave off a mustache.

The cheater

Her profile picture consists of her in a wedding dress next to a man who has been cut from the picture. Sounds suspicious right? Well keep looking because you’ll see that she’s only interested in a weekend fling and insists on meeting in sleazy highway motels. Avoid getting involved in a Lifetime movie of the week affair by telling her you’re only looking for marriage, children, and commitment. The three scariest words you can say to someone looking for a scandalous affair.
 

NBC Dateline

No one loves pedophiles more than Dateline. They’re constantly on the lookout for child predators that they can feature on their extra special evening news reports. Don’t trust anyone with a username that includes “gurl” “baby” or “xoxo.” And as always, be extra cautions if you’re using the minors4u.com dating service.

A Child

Kids are craftier than ever these days. When they’re done figuring out how to download porn in the 5th grade, they move on to messing with people on dating websites by posing as adults. Drop them immediately if they say their ideal first date is at a Jonas Brothers concert.

The Serial Dater

She’s on the hunt for a serious relationship and can’t leave anything up to chance. So she’s signed up for every single dating service out there — including manonman.com and MTV’s Date my Mom. You’ll be able to catch her right away due to the fact that she refers to everyone by screennames, “excuse waiterman45, can we get some water for bobM4u7 and myself?”

The stages of a break-up

There’s nothing worse than being dumped and/or divorced by someone you love. Suddenly you’ve gone from being in a golden couple to being a permanent guest at table 9. It’s okay to cry, burn couple pictures, and make people feel bad for not knowing that you’ve broken up. Odds are that you’re about to go through the 7 stages of a modern break-up.

Getting Extremely Drunk

A break-up often feels like you just got an unlimited, endless ride on an emotional roller coaster. Therapists unanimously agree that the best remedy for dealing with this confusing mess of feelings is to get extremely drunk. Try and spend the next few days taking it easy in an alcohol haze. Take a shot every time you feel an emotion and do a jager bomb every time you feel tempted to cry. -Again written for men:p

Updating Facebook statuses

Now that you’ve given yourself a 90% chance of developing liver cancer, it’s time to let the world know and understand your pain. The best way to do this is by leaving your Facebook relationship and updating hourly with positive statuses like “never have to see that dirty slut again” or “Does anyone own a gun, I’m about to kill a cheater.” If you’re having trouble putting your anger into words, choose an appropriate song lyric. There’s nothing more classicly vintage than “I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one”

Listening to EMO music

Thanks to Facebook everyone now knows that you’re single. Take some time to indulge in a little “feelin sorry for myself music.” Remember if the lyrics aren’t being screamed and if the lead singer isn’t wearing black eye liner, you haven’t chosen the right songs.

Angry phone calls to the ex

So you’ve memorized the lyrics to every Dashboard Confessional song every written. It’s now time to take the first step towards acceptance. Call up your ex and leave scathing voice mails explaining why you hate him/her so much. Take this opportunity to use vulgar language, say ugly slurs, and issue false accusations. Make sure that you’re at least half-crying when you call so your message is nearly incomprehensible.

Complaining to all your friends

You’ve spoken with your ex via an answering machine and you feel ready to go back into the world. Call up your friends, ask them to come over, and spend the night going through your entire relationship. Alternate between insulting your ex and defending him/her when your friends agree with you. It’s important at this stage to be absolutely inconsolable. No one should be able to say anything right.

Isolation and Depression

Turns out your friends don’t understand anything at all. It’s back to spending a few days/weeks under the covers in a dark room. Under no circumstances do you pick up your phone and answer an e-mail. It’s at this stage your friends should be extremely worried about your mental health. You’ll know you’ve completed this stage successfully when someone shows up at your door on suicide watch.

Drunken hook-ups

Well the worst is over and you’re ready to hit the dating scene again. Time is of the essence and now is your opportunity to have meaningless rebound sex with as many people as possible. Remember that using protection is important, but ending each night crying about your ex in a stranger’s arms is more important. Have some respect for yourself and never ever stay the night anywhere.

The above stories were written by Jenni Maier, you can follow her on twitter here, or view her website here.

 OMG LULZ- a few months old but a good one to read right before V-Day.

Woman Calls 911, Says Boyfriend Won't Marry Her

CLARKSVILLE, Tenn. -- Clarksville police said they arrested a woman on Wednesday morning after she repeatedly made non-emergency calls to the city's 911 system.

Hee Orama, 34, was arrested after police said she recently made frequent calls to 911 complaining about a man lying to her about marrying her.

Police said they responded to two calls from Orama and explained that this was not an emergency situation and to stop calling.

Orama then called again and was cited by police and told she would be arrested if she kept calling them with non-emergencies.

Police said the woman then called a 911 dispatcher a few minutes later but would not say why she called. Police then arrested Orama and took her to the Montgomery County Jail.

Orama's bond was set at $250.

Police said Orama's calls cost city workers many hours addressing the situation. 911 supervisor Julie Vogle said they receive non-emergency calls frequently, which often forces two or three officers to respond.

"If the officers are running emergency traffic, that's putting several lives in danger, including the citizens," said Vogle.

wsmv.com

Funny Wedding Photos 

 

 

 Also be sure to check out my other posts!

Please do not procreate!

The Perfect man!

Awesome cakes to celebrate your divorce!

Marry Him -- A Look At The Divisive New Book That Urges You To 'Settle'
Just in time for Valentine's Day, the world has found its anti-Cupid. Her name is Lori Gottlieb, and she's a pretty, 42-year-old single mom who was on the Today Show today. So why is the blogosphere calling for her head!?

She just wrote a book called "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough," advising you to, among other things, give the online date with bad breath a second chance, and not ix-nay a guy over his unfortunate taste in denim.
Read more @ lemondrop.com

Foreign objects in human bodies

This story has made some big news this week, here it is if you havent heard:
Russian doctors confirm picture of mugging victim with a six-inch knife in her back is genuine.

Something's not right here: Surgeons stare in awe at Julia Popova, 22, who has a six-inch kitchen knife protruding from her back that she did not know was there.



Apart from the gore, what makes the image so remarkable is that apparently she had no idea it was there.

Julia Popova, 22, was allegedly stabbed by a mugger on her way home from work in Moscow, a Russian newspaper reported.

The office worker battled with her assailant when he snatched her purse in the Russian capital.

But she was so shocked by the traumatic attack that she failed to notice the thug had plunged a kitchen knife in to her neck.

The blade was apparently just fractions of an inch from her spinal cord - but she did not notice until she arrive home and met the horrified stares of her parents.

They rushed her to hospital, where surgeons managed to remove the knife safely.

'Shock had kicked in and prevented her body from feeling any pain,' one medic told Russian newspapers.

'She simply walked home without feeling the knife in her back.'  
 

Is it really real?

News stories:

The mugging victim with a six-inch knife in her back... and she didn't even notice | Mail Online

Mugging victim Julia Popova didn't feel 6 inch knife in her back | Metro.co.uk

Shoulder blade - Around the World News - Austrian Times Online News - English Newspaper

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Surgeons find six inch blade embedded in mugging victim's bum.
News from last September.

SURGEONS have finally got to the bottom of shooting pains a mugging victim felt in her backside — more than four months after she was robbed.

This astonishing X-ray shows the thugs left Ying Shi, 26, with a razor sharp six inch blade completely buried in her buttocks.



Ying said: "All I remember of the night was a stabbing pain in my backside. I thought they had just slashed me, I didn't realise the whole blade had gone all the way in."

Doctors in Shanghai, eastern China, were baffled by her complaints of stomach pains — until they sent her for X-rays and found the blade pressing into her bladder.

Ying added: "I am amazed they missed it the first time around but very relieved that they've found it now."
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Some other crazy pictures of foreign objects in human bodies.

375mL effervescent drink bottle
 


78 spoons and forks swallowed by a Dutch woman



This x-ray shows the stomach of an Israeli woman who swallowed a fork while trying to catch a bee that flew into her mouth.



A dental office X-ray reveals a four-inch nail in mans skull



A schoolboy archer in China had an narrow escape after being shot with an arrow through the eye by a classmate.



An x-ray of 17-month old Nicholas Holderman, who fell on a set of car keys. Miraculously, he recovered completely within 2 months of the accident.



X-ray of batteries in woman's stomach.


The x-ray of Ron Hunt's skull shows an 18-inch-long drill bit that pierced Hunt's eye socket and went through his head, just nudging his brain.



What a headache: Man survives nail in skull: George Chandler's nail gun accident skull x-ray


Man falls from roof on to nail gun that went off
 

X-ray showing multiple nails embedded of the skull of 27-year-old Chen Liu



Man swallows scissors



Medical Malpractice



What happens if you swallow a coin



A paperclip



This X-ray image show a teenage boy with a 5-inch knife was plunged into his head. He received the wound when trying to stop a friend from being robbed at the bus stop and was lucky to survive.



This poor guy was shot in the face at close range, but his nose stopped the bullet, saving his life.



How many foreign objects can you identify?

A ticket to the future is only $10...

I was playing the dorky MMORPG that I love so much earlier when I grouped up with a guy named Bobby (I only know this because after we were grouped together awhile he started hounding me to look at his website) to kill the goody two shoe Qeynosians players. All of a sudden he starts talking about good versus evil (Real life good vs evil) and natural foods. This guy was pretty much a nut, I knew it especially when he said he knows the cure for cancer, and how cancer is caused by every product, natural or not except fruits and veggies. Then he started ripping into people with cancer saying its their own fault. *Coughs* Um, hi I'm Melissa and I have cancer. I told him what was wrong with me, and he lightened up a bit but not with out telling me I needed to completely change my lifestyle and I could cure the cancer. 

Sure.

He also said he was going to live for hundreds of years and when time travel is possible he was going to go back in time to bring his mother back to life, or to the future.

Yeah, groups over, time for bed.

But him saying that got me thinking about a website my brother is a big advocate of, timetravelfund.com 

The Time Travel Fund claims that for $10.00 you can buy a ticket to the future.  The concept is that one day, it may be scientifically possible for people living far in the future to retrieve you from your current frame of reference (their past - your present) and bring you into the future (their present - your future.) 

The money you donate not only pays for your ticket back but with the compound interest gained until whenever that time should come would support you financially for a number of years. (You also get a nifty certificate in the mail)

If someday it becomes possible, I think it would be so neat to live in a different time than now. But it's also scary in some ways though. What if the world is like the movie Surrogates, or what if humanity is on the brink of a huge war and we're only brought back to be soldiers. Or to become food for an alien race. The possibilities are endless, and thinking about endless possibilities is something I highly enjoy. I could go on and on about this but I'm sleepy. Just wanted to throw this on here.

Anyways, I'm signing up. What the heck, it's only $10.00.

Check out the website. Let me know what you think!