Ain't it the Truth!!!
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"
Flour and Water
How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue?...
and then you add eggs
and sugar...
and you get cake?
Where did the glue go ?
NEED AN ANSWER?
You know darned well where it went!
That's what makes the cake
Stick to your BUTT !!!
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Just Remember...
OLD AGE IS HELL, BUT...Implants Last Forever!!!
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Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...come on
Wife: Alright, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to sleep and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
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Was this a mistake on google's part?
1- Go to www.Google.com
2- Type in Failure
3- Look at it the first listing and laugh at what comes up first
4- Tell other people before the people at Google Fix it
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Subject: Bertha's Eulogy...
Bertha was dead. The minister conducted her eulogy with heartfelt gusto.
"Bertha married and had 13 children. Her husband died.
She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her
husband died. But, she married yet again and this time
had 5 more children. Again, her husband died. Then
alas, she finally died," he intoned.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for
Bertha. He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman
and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her friend Jane,
"Do you think he means her first, second or third; husband?"
Jane replied, "I think he means her legs."
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Obsessions
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with
four young mothers and their small children. "You all have
obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with
eating . You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with
money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is
alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
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Murphy's Other Laws
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
2 A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end,
someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by
those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish
and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries
14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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